Pink-Haired Girl (details15) wrote,
Pink-Haired Girl
details15

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Staying up all night on Thursday, and then until at least 3 on Friday and Saturday, and napping on Sunday (a very nice nap) makes it difficult to fall asleep on Sunday night. Class is going to suck tomorrow morning, especially since it's at 8 and I really shouldn't skip it. I didn't go to the last one. But I'm so not tired and I really want to write.

I hate nights like this. I just feel very...moody. And contradictory. I want more than one thing but what I want can't both happen at the same time. And I hate when I want something that I know I cannot allow myself. Time to take a step back. I'm not waking up in the morning regretting the night before. Not again.

I feel like I want to cry. I've been putting God second lately and I can feel it. Lauren's latest entry made me acutely aware of it. I think it's time to set aside time for Him again. Maybe try to pray every night like I did with Katie last semester...even though it's really hard to do by myself. Before I go to bed I think I'll listen to "Only You".

Only You
Smalltown Poets
Growing more uneasy with every question asked
Seems You're jealous of my interests
And the graven things I've cast
Waking resolutions of thirty years or more
That I would disallow golden cows my favor anymore

You're wishes set in stone
I broke the first of ten
I've cleared this temple out
Come take Your place again


There is only You
There is only You

Tiptoe from an awkward scene
Not fooling anyone
Am I dumb enough to kneel with my accusers
Or brave enough to run?

Petty daggers bounce
Weakly off my back
I'm leaving breathless gods
And secrets in my tracks
Your wishes set in stone
I broke the first of ten
I've cleared this temple out
Come take Your place again

...

There is only You (Love earth can't replace
There is only You, believe me (Heaven can't erase)
There is only You (Find me on my penitent face)
There is only You

I struggle so much with self-discipline. I have none. I can't ever seem to force myself to do homework. It's pitifully hard. Once again, those people who were jealous of me in high school because they thought it was so great that I was able to skirt by without working were so wrong. Cause right now they have the discipline to work when it's necessary. I don't. I have three papers due on week 13 (tomorrow starts week 9) and as much as I know I should try to start them soon, and start reading books and finding journal articles and researching and making notes and all that stuff that will help me to write a good paper, I know that I'm going to put in about 30% effort. And then the day before or the night before I'm just going to wade through a lot of meaningless stuff and pull together a lucky-if-average paper. And somehow it's gotten worse than ever here. And it's not just Chris, though I'm sure he has a lot to do with it--I do spend an exorbitant amount of time with him. But even when he's not around and I have the time to do work, I can't. I don't even think it's a matter of will. I try, but I just can't. I don't get anything done. If I do manage to read a chapter I don't remember anything I just read.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let's give that a try, shall we?
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