I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours...your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer
goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always
seem to be there when needed-the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer
with the game... And you're even around in the holidays. Yet lately,
I've been wondering about your intentions.
You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed
below for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity occurs at 5 AM. Text messages included.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli
sauce coupled with chips and gravy some stale crisps (washed down with
chocolate Big M and topped off with Cherry Ripe) is beyond me.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly,
it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups,
traffic cones or undies.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, don't
I know you from somewhere?" and should heretofore be rendered illegal.
Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order,
but the 2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that
if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
facedown on the kitchen floor, the hangover should be quite minimal and
no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that
matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair-you do your part, I'll
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when we just don't know what to do with the extra money in
our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 5pm (pre happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.
Sincerely - your biggest fan