October 2nd, 2003


rather appropriate at the moment

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

talking to myself all the way to the station
pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up
(all the one's that aren't allowed to stay)
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches
tried to overcome the complications and the catches
nothing ever grows and the sun doesn't shine all day
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

~nin, "into the void"
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Everything but the kitchen sink

I thought I should expand a bit on my previous entry.

So last night was perfectly awful. I needed to cry but every time I almost did I suddenly stopped and it all felt fake and crappy. And I somehow realized that I was not anywhere as close to God as I used to be. And I tossed and turned in bed for four hours. Combine that with about 50 other things and that's where I was at mentally and emotionally when I woke up today. NOT HAPPY. So I go to my first class and I'm still pissy, I get my lunch and there's three bones in my chicken stir-fry...one small enough to have choked on. I end up skipping my second class to play Ms. Pac-Man in our new game room...I got the Act 3: Junior. That was exciting. I also played a little Tetris. But I was still really pissed off at everything.

I go to history, and we play a "game" and I actually knew some of the answers! Plus my being there got me 3 ec points on my test...which we got back...and without studying I find I got a C+ on...and add the three points to bring it up to a B-...so that was nice.

The best thing that turned everything around happened in Fish. I was talking to this girl, Sara, who was having money troubles. She wants to change her major to liberal arts from DCE but she can't right now because of money--she'll lose a huge chunk of scholarship money by going out of Church work--even though she's majoring in Theology and Biblical languages and all she wants to do is work in the church, just not as a church professional. Regardless, she's upset that she might be locked into this because of money. And she was telling me that her parents make too much to qualify for loans for her, and she's a dependent so she thought that she couldn't get loans for herself. I told her that she could, cause I had been doing that, and that totally made her feel better. Not that she wants to take out loans, but knowing that it was another option brightened her whole outlook on the situation. And somehow, knowing that I helped her, totally changed everything. So I still feel far away from God, but I'm trying to work on everything to get that back.

Also, we had regular old plain good cornbread for dinner today.
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