Pink-Haired Girl (details15) wrote,
Pink-Haired Girl

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La la la la I suck la la la la

Yeah, so the Arties were tonight.

The best parts? Fish singing the Crazy Jingle and Mark Lee dressed as Jack Sparrow. Plus I looked hella hot. (go look at the_rum_is_gone's livejournal for pics, I'm in there somewhere...and I do NOT look like avril...I'm not wearing a tie...)

The worst? I didn't win for anything. And I was nominated for four different things; two more than I thought I would be. I lost for best actress. I lost for best director of a one-act (of course there were only two). I lost for best actress in the Children's Show. I didn't even win for lighting. Jordan was nominated by himself for two of the three shows cause they messed up. So very tecnically I lost on everything. Isn't that great? So not only does Concordia think I can't write (did I mention I'm not in The Motif?) they think I am not great at directing or acting either.

Yeah, so the whole Motif thing was really disappointing. I really don't know if I wrote about it or not so I'll just explain. The Motif is this mostly student put together book of different types of art by students...short stories, poetry, artwork, music compositions, stuff like that. And I submitted some poems and none of them made it in. So even though it was mostly based on the opinions of a few students and I know that some of my poems made it into the "maybe" pile it still made me feel really crappy and like I couldn't write. Which was great.

So then I started thinking and I thought about how just about the only thing I do do pretty well is act. So then I started placing all this emphasis on the Arties even though I knew it was just this stupid thing and it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me, but it still meant a big deal, maybe I'd get some sort of recognition that I do do something well. And then tonight when I saw the list of nominees for lighting was messed up, I knew it wasn't going to go quite as I thought. So then I kind of assumed that I would probably get the best director for a one-act; after all, everyone said I did a really awesome job and that it was really great and all that, including Lori and Julie...and Josh got it. Right then I knew I wasn't going to get the best actress award. Which really shouldn't mean anything...but it still does. And when they got up to announce it...I got all nervous and shakey and I kept saying it's stupid and it doesn't matter and it's silly to want it so much even though you do...and I did. And I didn't get it. I almost cried. Of course that would have been ridiculous. It's a stupid Concordia award that means absolutely nothing in the long run. Right. Of course.

I just wish I did something good. Not good. I know I do things good. I wish I did something great. Awhile ago Josh had some people do this thing about things you doodle or write down when you're a kid, things you don't even think about...and he had a bunch of his friends write down stuff like that, things that just were examples of life that we don't even think off... and I had this idea. It looked something like this:

And when I got to the end, I thought of that quote there. And it was kind of funny at the time cause it fit the thing even though I didn't think it was true. But now it seems a little more apt. And I don't even think I'll be a great teacher. I'll be a good one, sure, but I won't stand out. I won't win any awards. I'm just average. I'm good at some things and I suck at others. That's about it. That's me.

Guess I'd better get used to it.

Did I mention I'm not really as upset right now as I sound? Yeah...I had some adult refreshments tonight while watching The Ref with Jordan and it definitely helped to take my mind off feeling like crap. So thanks to him for a decent ending to a bad night that was supposed to be really good...I guess that ends my rant.

I'm gonna disable comments cause I really don't feel like hearing people try and make me feel better, no matter how much they mean it.

I really don't feel that bad...right now...the above is just how I feel when I get really down.

Yeah, night to you all.

Edit: It's okay...God sees flowers in my weeds. Isn't that what matters anyways?

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