"When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his own badness less and less. A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. This is common sense, really. You understand sleep when you are awake, not while you are sleeping. You can see mistakes in arithmetic when your mind is working properly: while you are making them you cannot see them. You can understand the nature of drunkenness when you are sober, not when you are drunk. Good people know about both bad and evil: bad people do not know about either."
"All that we call human history--money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery--[is] the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."
-- Clive Staples Lewis
I had a long talk with Troy today. It boils down to I don't know how to be a person I'm not anymore, whether or not I want it. I need to talk to Chris. I need to hear him. I need to be held by him as well but that's gonna happen.
My immediate family responded differently to my news. My sisters are excited, Michele already made a guest list. My parents are less enthused, this weekend my mom corrected somebody, I'm not "getting married" I'm "engaged." My not so immediate family and family friends are pretty happy for me. My aunt is planning my bridal shower. It's funny, I originally was excited about going back to school because I was thinking that more people would be happy for me, but then I remembered that most of my friends aren't going to be so happy for me. In fact, I don't know what kind of reaction I'm going to get from most of my school friends, with the exception of Jordan, who already knows anyway. And anyway, here's some more stuff:
"And in the end, what she taught me was simple...In love...you have to put the individual ahead of their actions...always." ~Kevin Smith
"Some I did out of stupidity. Some I did out of what I thought was love. But good or bad, they are my choices, and I am not making apologies for them now, not to you, or not to anybody." ~Joey Lauren Adams, Chasing Amy
This Is Not
~The Benjamin Gate
I tried to make myself
Fit inside your world
My time's been spent on being the right girl
How far away I am from where I need to be
I'm so tired of this useless fantasy
This is not what I need to be
This is not what you mean to me
I'm not losing hope
I'm not laying blame
I know we both want love
We both feel the same
I'm moving forward to where I need to be
My life is spinning in this mystery
I tried to be so perfect
And why don't I feel this way anymore?
Oh, Lord I want to know you,
I don't care for nothin' else,
Cuz nothin' and no one else can satisfy.
Here's my heart, oh please just take it,
But please just break it,
I know this trial is not in vain because I feel my heart begin to change
Broken and in need Lord I come to You
Struggling in my sin I don't know what to do
But to come to You
So I come to You
Trusting in the strength of flesh will lead me astray
Turn my eyes to You, show me Your way
As I cry out to You
I cry out to You
And I will love you forever completely
With all of me and all that you give me
Your grace to me, a gift undeserving
And I love you Lord
I surrender Lord
I am Yours completely.
~The Pool Boys
And how come I don't know how to feel that way again?