-Professor Rapp, on the supply and demand of marijuana during econ
"And, yes, democracy is like sex! It's messy and dirty, but we enjoy it anyway."
-Professor Camp, during political science
"We have our test next class. If you are going to cheat...sit next to somebody smart."
"I'd fuck her...well, maybe her mom."
-Professor Wilcox to a couple of guys checking out some random chick
"It shocks many students that the money in their pocket has no real value. You know, other than for rolling joints."
-Professor Onur, during economics
"It's like herpes, it keeps coming back. You think you've cleared it up, but no, it gets worse."
-Professor Marshall, referring to American foreign policy
Ann: Dr. Rudz, how long should our Hamlet essay be?
Dr. Rudz: Well Ann, essays are just like mini-skirts, they should be short enough to be interesting, yet long enough to cover the subject.
"Math is like a prostitute: you just do it and it doesn't matter."
"So, basically, people who smoke a moderate amount of pot are more well-adjusted and have better friendships than peers who smoke no pot. Wait, I shouldn't say that to you, should I?"
-Professor Brown, during psych 101
"But your happy colors and my happy colors are not necessarily the same...And don't ever expect me to say that again."
"If you don't have the Internet... then just e-mail me or something and we'll figure it out."
"This is not my real job, I only do it for the beer money."
-Professor Tarbox, on why he was teaching psychology class
"What's the probability I get head?"
-TA L. Wong, addressing the class in broken English while flipping a quarter
"Dying is not good for your survival."
-Professor Schmidt, during biology
Dawn: Why do we have to know that?
Professor Boroff: 'Cause it is in your fucking book.
JR: Dr. Butler, do you know much about the Civil War?
Professor Butler: A little bit. I know the South won.
Professor Butler: Yes, I've lived in Alabama long enough to know that the South really won the war and it's all the damn liberal professors of this country that are clouding that truth of the South's glorious triumph.
-Conversation at a Civil War battlefield in North Georgia
Professor Dunn: Kelli, when was the war of 1812?
Kelli: I'm sorry. I wasn't paying any attention.
Professor Dunn: WHEN WAS THE WAR OF 1812?
Kelli: I have already told you that I was not paying any attention!
Professor Dunn: KELLI! When was the War of 1812?
Kelli: I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THE WAR OF 1812 WAS!!!........oh!
"We fast and we pray, then we break fast, and then we start sinning again."
-Professor Rothman, on the Jewish Holiday Yom Kippur
"Make sure that you're test is legible for my wife to read."
-Professor Heckman, on a written final
"Sometimes doing drugs can produce a bad trip. Like going to Oklahoma."
-Professor Jenkins, during a Psychology lecture about altered consciousness
"When in doubt, just stick it in."
-Dr. Gates, explaining punctuation during English 101