Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
Lester Burnham: It's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.
Brad: [reading Lester's job description] My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.
Catering Boss: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing.
Ricky Fitts: So don't pay me.
Catering Boss: Excuse me?
Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.
Lester Burnham: I think you just became my personal hero.
Lester Burnham: This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
[at the dinner table]
Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester Burnham: I have fast food expierience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester Burnham: Well, I'm sure there have been marvelous advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It's unfair you presume I won't be able to learn.
Carolyn Burnham: I see you're smoking pot now. I suppose you think smoking illegal psychotropic substances is a good example to set for our sixteen year-old daughter?!
Lester Burnham: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
Carolyn Burnham: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Lester Burnham: I'm going to whale on my pecs and then do my back.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Lester Burnham: So Janie, how was school?
Jane Burnham: It was okay.
Lester Burnham: Just okay?
Jane Burnham: No dad, it was spectacular.
Carolyn: Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester: On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't fuck other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you because you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you before you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
Lester Burnham: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain. All I want--
Carolyn Burnham: Oh, you don't complain! Oh, please! Excuse me! Excuse me! I must be psychotic then! If you don't complain, what is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh meter and see how loud it gets on that one. You don't complain--
[Lester throws the plate of asparagus at the wall.]
Lester Burnham: Don't interrupt me, honey.
Lester Burnham: I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once... and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry... you will someday.